I Was Hired as a Villain Because I Had No Relevant Experience

In the Kingdom of Everlasting Nonsense, being evil was a respected profession. Villains received excellent salaries, private castles, and unlimited sick leave. Heroes, meanwhile, worked for exposure and died before collecting their pensions.Naturally, I applied for a villain position.The interview was held inside a volcano, 
because apparently the human resources department had confused workplace safety with dramatic atmosphere.A three-headed dragon sat behind the desk, wearing spectacles and looking deeply disappointed in humanity.“Previous experience?” it asked.“I once ignored seventeen consecutive phone calls from my relatives.”
The dragon nodded. “Excellent. Emotional damage is an essential qualification.”“Any special skills?”“I can smile politely while mentally writing someone’s obituary.”
“Marvelous. You’re hired.”My first assignment was to kidnap Princess Glitterella, the most irritating woman in the seven kingdoms. She had a magical voice that made flowers bloom, birds sing, and every person within a five-mile radius develop an unbearable headache.I found her in a garden, arguing with a butterfly because it had landed on her left shoulder instead of her right.“I am here to kidnap you,” I announced.She examined my outfit.“Oh, darling. That cape is tragic.”
I immediately understood why the kingdom wanted her removed.“Get in the carriage.”“Does it have heated seats?”“No.”“Air conditioning?”

“No.”“Wi-Fi?”I stared at her. “You’re being kidnapped, not relocated to a five-star resort.”She sighed dramatically. “Men have truly stopped making an effort.”
I was beginning to understand why previous villains had retired to farming.Back at headquarters, my supervisor congratulated me on the successful mission. 
Unfortunately, the princess had somehow escaped by complaining until the carriage driver abandoned his post and fled into the mountains.
I was summoned for a performance review.“You have failed your first assignment,” the dragon said.“Technically, I delivered her to the carriage.”“And technically, I’m a lizard with three heads. We don’t put that on the company website.”
Before I could defend myself, the kingdom’s greatest hero burst through the doors.Sir Perfectus wore golden armour, had magnificent hair, and looked like someone had spent several centuries manufacturing him specifically to make ordinary people feel inadequate.“I have come to rescue the princess!”“She isn’t here,” I replied.He drew his sword. “Then I shall defeat you!”

“Could you schedule that for tomorrow? I have an appointment with my therapist.”He charged.I ducked.He crashed into a decorative pillar, which collapsed on his foot.
The dragon sighed. “This is why we have health insurance.”Within minutes, the hero was crying, the dragon was filling out an incident report, and I had somehow been promoted to Director of 
Villainous Operations.Apparently, the company valued employees who could survive a crisis without immediately bursting into inspirational speeches.

My new office overlooks a lake of molten gold. I have six assistants, a personal goblin, and a retirement plan that doesn’t involve being sacrificed to an ancient prophecy.
Princess Glitterella has since become a lifestyle influencer. Sir Perfectus sells protein powder. The dragon is running for king.And me?I’m currently recruiting interns.
The advertisement clearly states that applicants must be comfortable with fire, workplace absurdity, and unpaid overtime.After all, even in a magical kingdom, somebody has to exploit the workforce.
Evil may be eternal, but the real villain is always middle management.