Irrational fears

When I was young I was scared of a lot of things. Most of my fears from my childhood were irrational. I had no need to fear some of the things from my childhood. There was no justification or explanation why I was scared of them. One of my such irrational fears was the nest of sparrows.

Sparrows build the nest with things that are easily available for them. They use dried leaves, sticks, grass, dried grass, hay to build their nests. Surprisingly sparrows nest also looks like them. It is brown and spotted just like the sparrow. Now I know that the nest serves as a perfect camouflage for the Sparrow and the young offsprings. But when I was young I was petrified of the sparrow's nest and I don't know why.

I think I was 4 years old when I discovered the sparrow's nest for the very first time. I saw a sparrow's nest at one of the shops near my house. It was built between the roof and the door of the shop. I saw it. I did not know what it was. It gave me creeps. Immediately got scared and I ran away from there. I went home and told my mother that I saw something which scared me. I describe it to her but I did not know that it was sparrow's nest. My mother also could not understand what it was. She told me not to visit that shop if I am scared. I followed her instructions.

Letter I went outside with my mother because she wanted to buy groceries. We went to some other shop and there to I noticed the same thing. I showed it to my mother that this is the object that scared me. My mother saw it and told me that it is a sparrow's nest. She also said that there is nothing to be afraid of. It is where the mother Sparrow and baby sparrows will be. It is their home. This explanation did not work. I was still scared. But at least now I knew which object is scaring me.

After that it became my habit to spot the sparrow's nest everywhere. Wherever I would go my eyes would start searching for the sparrow's nest - the object that is making me petrified. I would search for it and I would spot it somewhere. I would see it and my heart would start beating faster. My breathing would become shallow. I would start sweating. This went on for several years. I tried a lot of things but I could not get rid of this fear. I was scared of the sparrows nest for at least five or six years.

By the time I had turned 10 I had gotten rid of most of my fears by them. Just how I suddenly what scared of the sparrow's nest I got rid of that fear suddenly as well. The day before I was scared of it and the day after I was not scared of it. I still did not know what made me get rid of it but I was not afraid of that anymore. When I was 10 I would see a sparrow's nest and would not run away from there. My heart would beat normally. My breathing would be normal. I would not be scared of the sparrowsiness. Unknowingly I had overcome my irrational fear.

Buddha is known to be an icon of calmness. Just by looking at Buddha's Idol a lot of people claim that they feel serenity. Buddha's Idol is often used in the room for meditation. One of my irrational fear comes from a Buddha's Idol. I was not scared of all idols of Buddha but one in particular. The circumstances and the events could have contributed to that.

When I was 4 years old my family was required to attend a wedding ceremony of a relative. This ceremony was in the same city but in a different town. My sister was not well so my my mother was going to stay back along with her. Me, my grandmother, and my dad were going for that wedding ceremony. As my grandmother was elderly by that time we had decided to go via road instead of train. We were going to that wedding ceremony by a taxi. It was a late evening ceremony so when we left it was already dark. I was sitting in one of the window seats of the taxi. I was looking outside and enjoying the views. I was not particularly scared of the dark and I was enjoying scene vehicles on the road. Then the incident occurred that instilled fear in my soul.

Our taxi was waiting at a particular traffic signal. At this traffic signal there was a 5 star hotel. This hotel probably was four or five story. At one place they had created a huge statue of Buddha which was probably 30 feet tall. This tall statue was seated at the display of the hotel. While waiting at the traffic signal I saw this statue. First the size of it made me scared. Then the shadows that were falling on that statue made me frightened. Maybe the movement of vehicles and the way the shadows were moving across the Buddha's face I got even further scared. I closed my eyes tightly and I did not open my eyes till the time the taxi started moving.

We had reached the wedding ceremony. I was still scared of the visual that I had seen on the road. My heart was beating really fast. I was so scared that I started crying. When when we reach the wedding venue I was already in tears. My dad and grandmother assumed that I was crying because I was missing my mother and my sister. They did not even ask me why I was crying. They started consoling me that within 1 hour we will return home. There is no need to worry. We will meet the newly wed couple and we will leave immediately. They were consoling me so that I would stop crying. I tried my level best and I controlled my emotions and stop crying.

I returned home and by that time I had forgotten about the entire incident. Next day when my parents asked me why I was crying. I told them that I was scared of a statue that I saw on the road. They assumed that I must have seen a scary statue on the way. They said that we never visit that area anyway so I would never need to see it again.

Few years later we were to attend another ceremony at the same venue. This time the ceremony was in the day time. When we were reaching near that five star hotel I had a knot in my stomach. We were going to be facing the same scary statue that's what I thought. My heart had already started beating faster. My body was hot and red because of the fear. I had a lump in my throat and tears had already started gathering at my eyes. Again there was the same traffic signal and our taxi stopped there. I did not want to face it but still the statue was right and front of me. This time I was surprised to see that statue. In the day time it was not at all scary. Yes it was gigantic but not scary. I wanted to look at it. It really appeared serene. That is when I thought why was I scared of it at the very first time. Probably the shadows on the face of the statue in the dark made me scared.

This is how I overcome one of my irrational fears of the Buddha statue. How I did overcome it - only by seeing it in the light.

Honeycomb. A colony of bees governed by a queen. Workers follow the Queen's orders. They work hard and the Queen lives in the luxury. They say honey bees are the ones keeping our planet afloat. They are the creatures which need the most help. They say bees are friendly. It is all fun and games until they come and settle in your safe space - make a honeycomb where you stay. As a child, I saw a honeycomb in my locality and it became my irrational fear.

I must have been 4-5 (yes, I now see a pattern). I was with my mother. We had gone to the market to get groceries and vegetables. While returning, I noticed a blackish brown stain on 6th floor of a building in our complex. I asked my mother what it was. It was too small to notice but I had sharp eyes so I was able to see it. My mother did not see it and asked me to ignore.

Day by that the stain was growing. It was getting bigger every day. I was noticing it but as my mother told me, I ignored it. One day we received a notice from the society management. There was a honeycomb in the complex and it was going to be removed. We were required to close all doors and windows while it was being removed. This is when we realised, the blackish brown stain that I had noticed was a honeycomb. It was now a lot bigger.

We visited the family whose home was right next to the honeycomb. It was huge. It looked porous. Honey bees were buzzing all around it. They were flying aggressively. It was a scary sight. It was scary enough to instill fear. Later the honeycomb was removed. But my fear towards honeycomb still remained.

Few years later, in my college a honeycomb was spotted. I was scared that time as well. I felt as if the honeybees were following me. Anytime I would hear a buzzing sound, I would think that honeybees are around me. I would get nightmares that bees have created a honeycomb in my hair while I was sleeping.

My nightmares came true when I moved to the different part of the town. This side of the town was still in touch with nature. Here waterfalls, lakes, and trees were abundant. However I had not realised that along with nature, honeybees would mark their attendance. One day while going to my office I was looking out of the window. I saw a building that was under construction. It was probably a refuge area, where there was a gigantic honeycomb. It had the base at the ceiling and was almost touching the ground. It was hemispherical. I had knots in my stomach just by looking at it. I showed it to my friend but she took it lightly. I was petrified. That day I could not think about anything but honeycomb. While returning home, I was looking at all the buildings. To my surprise, there were honeycombs at all buildings.

My fear of honeycombs still has not disappeared. I am still scared of honeycombs. I do not know if I will ever overcome this fear. I am still working on it.

Arachnophobia is a well established fear. It affects upto 15% of the global population. Arachnophobia is cited as 1st or 2nd most common fears in the world. So calling it irrational is bit of a stretch. Needless to say I am scared of spiders. The fear is not irrational but how I started fearing spiders is definitely irrational. I was not afraid of spiders when I was young. I started getting afraid of it in my teens. The reason is the film "Arachnophobia".

I was in Grade 6 when I watched the film "Arachnophobia" with my cousins. The film shows a spiders of prehistoric origin. The spider stings a researcher causing seizure from the spider's venom leading to death. The spiders spreads across the town causing mysterious deaths. Finally the end reveals that the female spider has formed a hive in the town. They burn the female spider along with her hive. The film was great but it instilled the fear of spiders in me.

After watching the film, I was home alone. I saw a huge spider in the balcony. I live in urban area and we do not get huge spiders. However it was there. I was frightened. When my dad returned I made him search the entire house to hunt the spider. We did find it and kill it. Well my dad found it and killed it. But that incident made me even more scared.

I scared getting scared of every spider. The size did not matter. I was scared of them all. I would have a tough time at vacations. Anywhere I would go, I would find a huge spider in the room or bathroom. The housekeeping staff would not kill it saying they are harmless. I was never able to find a pest control product that would kill the spiders. Spiders survive nuclear explosions so pest control products were nothing in comparison.

But finally I overcame that fear when my nephew was born. I got into the protevtive mode. I would protect him from pests, insects, humans, everyone. When he was a neonate, I was with him. My mother and sister were sleeping. I saw a spider. It was far away from my nephew but I still sensed the danger (my friends called it the "spidey sense" and I hated it). I picked up my shoe, walked towards the spider, and smashed it with the shoe. My mother woke up because of the noise and asked me what happened. I told her that I had killed a spider because otherwise it would have come near my nephew. While saying that I did not realise that I had overcome my fear of spiders. I was not thinking about anything else but my nephew's safety. That is what made me fearless and it made me face my fears.

Today I proudly see that I am no longer scared of spiders. Even today I extremely hate those eight legged freaks. But at least I am not afraid of them. I know I am bigger and stronger than them. I know that I have the means to smash them. Though I have less legs than them I know I am still stronger than them.

[PS: Please note I am still not ready to visit Australia. Spiders from there are still scary to me]

Children. How to define children? Angels send by the God or Minions send by the devil? Are not there little bit of both? I always thought children belong to the category of the second one. I was always afraid of children.

Being a woman you should be loving and caring by default, this is what I was told right from my childhood. I was the youngest in my family. Yet when one of my elder cousins child was born I was expected to love and take care of it. I was a child myself. The worst part was that I never liked children. Let alone, being in contact with them made me scared for my life. One reason why I used to dislike children is because of the loud noises. I do not like loud noises. In fact I cannot tolerate the loud noises. The whistle of the cooker, the noise of falling pots, the loud noises in the traffic signal, the loud noises of shouting and screaming - everything made me uncomfortable and uneasy. I had a power to mute the world, I had used it long ago. I hate loud noises and hence I hate crying children. I had certain tolerance in decibels and children would always cross that. This was the primary reason I would not like children.

Secondary and why I would not like children it's because there constant movement. Hold a child for 5 seconds and you would be slapped and kicked. I was not interested in getting physically abused and get entertainment by it. I was not ready for that and hence I would never hold a child.

Third reason why I dislike children was there constant release of bodily fluids and substances. I guess I do not have to elaborate that. You know what I mean. I have no enthusiasm towards getting bathed in someone elses bodily fluids and substances.

These are some of the reasons why I used to dislike children. I would not visit any relative or friend who had given birth. I would cite the reason that I am unwell and I may be contagious. This was a sound reason. I would always have cough or cold and hence I would avoid going anywhere. By telling a postpartum woman that I am avoiding her because of my health condition is a sensible answer. Most of the time I would get away with this reason. I was also called a very caring person because of the way I avoided meeting someone because of my health issues.

But my fort came crashing when I became an aunt. My sister had given birth to my nephew. This is when I had to shed away my protective wall. I took care of him when he was crying loudly. I took care of him while he released his bodily substances on me. I carrying it him and paced around the room while he kicked me and slapped me. It was a torture but it was to help my family. I endured my irrational fear despite it bothered me. Because it was for helping my family.

This protective wall was removed exclusively for my nephew. Once he grew up, I rebuilt it. Even today I decline to take care of any other children. I know no one can force me. I know I would not be guilt tripped into carrying for a newborn. The only difference now is that I know I am not scared of children but I have realised that I simply do not like children. I am not afraid to speak about my opinion. I am not afraid being judged. I am okay if someone calls me heartless. I will be safe in my fortress.