I'm not hungry

Watch what a woman like this eats. Or rather, watch what she lets herself want.

The best piece of fruit goes to the children. The softest part of the meal goes to her husband. The last of something sweet, she saves for someone else, every single time.

When there is one good mango left, she will swear she never liked mango.

I'm not hungry, she says. Sometimes it is true. Often it is a habit so old she no longer hears herself say it.

Food is a small thing. That is exactly why it matters. Wanting starts in the body. A favourite taste. A second helping. A treat chosen just for you, because you felt like it.

When a woman gives even that away, day after day, something quiet is happening. She is teaching herself, one meal at a time, that her own wanting comes last.

She did not lose her appetite all at once. She gave it away in small bites, until she forgot she had one.

The same people who study self-silencing noticed this. When a woman learns to put her own needs at the very bottom, it does not stay at the dinner table. It spreads. Soon she gives way on everything, without even thinking.

I find myself wondering how many women could not name their own favourite food anymore. Not because they never had one. Because no one has asked in twenty years, and they quietly stopped keeping track.

None of this belongs to the past. It happens now, in homes with full fridges and food on call at the tap of a screen. If you have never once seen it, that may say more about how closely you have looked than about how rare it is.

If appetite is the first wish to go quiet, the bigger dreams are not far behind. I want to talk about those.

References

• Silencing the Self: Women and Depression, Dana Crowley Jack, Harvard University Press, 1991.
• "'Silencing the self' and women's mental health problems," a 2020 research review (Maji & Dixit).