That kid.

I had lived on this Earth for 18 years and 5 months. Not a lot of time, but I think I have lived an interesting life till now. Is it weird to be saying thay at 18!? I really don’t know! Anyway, in my “full life” never was once I was called under confident. I was always the star kid after all. The kid who could stand in front of hundred of people and be able to speak unprompted. The kid teachers chose for every debate, for every hosting, for every skit, for every speech. Basically the kid who spend more time on stage than in the audience. I was always told that everyone wanted to be like me. So sure of every step, every opinion voiced.

I never thought much about it but with time, I started realising that maybe I was not that kid. I was the kid who spend hours regretting every word I spoke, every opinion I voiced. I judged myself way harsher than anyone ever could. I felt guilty of talking too much. I felt like an imposter because while everyone were praising me, I was backstage overthinking. I was overwhelmed all the time, with things that I did wrong. Along the line, I had stopped focusing on my achievements. All I cared and obsessed over were my failures, of the words I mispronounced. I spend years in this fear. Constantly overthinking every syllable that left my mouth. I constantly compared myself with people who never stepped on the stage. People who spoke less. I admired them. They were valued more maybe because they spoke less. They were maybe relevant because of it. Maybe I should become like them. Speak less.

After spending years scrutinising all my words, I voiced my fear. I talked about it to people. I seeked advice. They listened, and they gave me advice. They told my fear not because of my inabilities, it was the fear of judgment. I feared being told off, I feared being called undeserving. I feared that they day I fumbled, they would look right through me and take my tag away.

Maybe I actually did not deserve the tag of confidence after all. Because real confidence was not the ability to stand on the stage, it was to move beyond judgments. It was to love yourself despite all your flaws. Being confident actually meant not caring about any opinion which was boiced with the only motive to bash you. Maybe that was what confidence actually meant. So when now I am called confident, I accept it. Because I have finally let go of that fear of judgment. I have accepted who I am. I am finally comfortable in my skin.

It took a long time to reach her. A lot of sleepless nights. A lot of overthinking. But maybe that’s what one needs sometimes to understand the big lessons of life.

Sometimes you need to go through a dark tunnel to be hit by bright light.