Starting my 20s

It is very overwhelming to enter the age of adulting with struggling, even though I am only 21 and I have plenty of time and much more to life than to worry about worldly problems, yet here I am writing this journal to rant about how the past two years have treated me and what's more to expect out of my 20s.

Here it begins; the responsibility and pressure started to build up on my back as soon as I hit the realization that I am not 19 anymore! These two years flew by so quickly that I couldn't even enjoy them, first because of my engineering, especially 3rd year, and second because I had too much on my plate (which I do not mind, duh), but I didn't know how to finish it on time and then started the race of me, my work, and my over-perfectionist habit against time and honestly, I think the biggest problem was never really having too much work. I have always liked keeping myself occupied. I like being involved in things, taking responsibilities, learning something new, being productive, and having something to look forward to. The problem was that somewhere between wanting to do everything and wanting to do everything perfectly, I forgot that there are only twenty-four hours in a day and that I am, unfortunately, only one person.

I somehow developed this strange habit of treating every little task like it had to be the best thing I had ever done. A simple assignment could become a full-blown project in my head. A small responsibility would somehow turn into something I would overthink for hours. I wanted things to be perfect, and when they weren't, I felt like I had failed, even if nobody else thought I had.

Then came the constant feeling of being behind.

There was always something left to do. If I finished college work, there was an internship to think about. If I focused on my internship, there were projects waiting for me. If I completed a project, there was something else I could improve. And when everything was finally done, instead of sitting back and saying, "Okay, I did enough today," my brain would immediately start searching for the next thing.

It is funny how adulthood is portrayed as freedom when, in reality, it sometimes feels like having a never-ending list of things you are responsible for. Nobody is necessarily standing over your head telling you what to do, but somehow the pressure becomes even louder because it comes from within. You start thinking about your career, your future, your finances, your education, your relationships, your goals, and whether you are becoming the person you imagined you would be.

And then there is comparison.

You open social media, and suddenly someone your age is travelling, someone is getting an internship, someone is starting a business, someone is graduating, someone is moving abroad, someone is getting promoted, and someone else somehow seems to have their entire life figured out. Meanwhile, you are sitting there wondering whether you should finish your pending work or simply stare at the ceiling for ten minutes and question every life decision you have made.

Maybe that is the part nobody tells you about your twenties.

Everyone is figuring it out.

Some people are just better at making it look like they aren't.

I think I have also spent too much time believing that by a certain age, I should have a clear picture of who I am supposed to become. But the more I think about it, the more unrealistic that expectation seems. I am only 21. How am I supposed to know exactly what I want from the next fifty or sixty years of my life when I am still figuring out what I want from next week?

Maybe I am supposed to change my mind. Maybe I am supposed to try things that don't work. Maybe some plans are supposed to fail. Maybe certain people are only meant to be a part of certain chapters. Maybe I will completely change my career goals someday. Maybe I will discover something I love that I haven't even heard of yet.

And maybe that is okay.

I think I have been so focused on building my future that I sometimes forget to actually live my present. I keep thinking about the person I want to become, the things I want to achieve, the places I want to go, and the life I want to create, but sometimes I forget that this version of me deserves to experience life too.

She deserves to rest without feeling guilty.

She deserves to celebrate small achievements without immediately thinking about the next goal.

She deserves to make mistakes without turning them into evidence that she is not good enough.

She deserves to have random days where nothing productive happens.

Most importantly, she deserves to enjoy being 21.

Because one day, I am probably going to look back at this exact phase of my life and realize that I was worrying about things that eventually worked themselves out. I will probably laugh at how seriously I took certain problems and wonder why I was in such a hurry to grow up.

The past two years may have taken away some of my carefree nature, but they have also given me something valuable in return. They have shown me how capable I am, how much I can handle, and how much I still have to learn about myself.

So, if this is what my twenties are going to be, then I suppose I should stop expecting them to be perfect.

I want them to be real instead.

I want to work hard, but I also want to live. I want to be ambitious without constantly feeling exhausted. I want to have goals without allowing them to define my entire existence. I want to become successful, but I also want to become happy, kind, independent, emotionally stronger, and comfortable with who I am.

Maybe adulthood isn't about suddenly having everything figured out.

Maybe it is simply about learning how to carry everything without forgetting who you are underneath it all.

And perhaps, at 21, I don't need to have all the answers.

Maybe I just need to keep going.