Self Worth

Since my school days, I would get into friendships where I was undervalued and unappreciated. Even in college I ended up in a similar situation. While I gave my everything to my friend, I didn't see her reciprocating my efforts or even checking up on me. As I finally distanced myself, I was guilt tripped into thinking that it was my fault. I spent 2 months spiralling about how I can make things right even when all my efforts of reconciliation with her felt meaningless and draining. This made me realise that I had very low self-worth. I would slip into people-pleasing tendencies, nodding to things I didn't necessarily agree with, lingering in conversations I felt indifferent towards, staying in friendships past their due date, and making myself convenient for others by being agreeable. I would try to convince myself to do things even when deep down I knew that this is not want I want. Ironically, I noticed that it was always people who stood up for themselves, and were confident about themselves who were actually respected and considered. It also made me realise a more nuanced idea, that people-pleasing behaviours are actually a result of trying to control what others thought about me. I outsourced my worth to other people, their opinions and judgements. It would break me to know that someone dislikes me or doesn't seem me or treat me at par with themselves. I would play small and keep others comfortable at my own expense and inconvenience. This incident made me introspect and understand myself and my patterns. I read a lot of articles and posts about self-love and self-worth, and I realised that self-worth isn't something that I need to earn or to prove. It's innate. Everybody is innately worthy. This perspective shift made me see and treat myself kindly. Before I wish others to choose me, I need to choose myself. Again and again. I stopped associating my worth to outcomes, to success or failure, and surprisingly it made me more confident in putting myself out there. I have stopped caring about what others think of me bcs I realised that other's opinions don't define my worth. People aren't permanent nor are their opinions. It wouldn't even matter 5 yrs down the line. But the thing that would really matter would be whether I did what I really wanted to. Approval and admiration are temporary. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is whether I did things on my own terms. There is a quiet confidence in just being yourself, and allowing yourself to exist without constantly trying to shape-shifting for other people. I also stopped pretending that I wanted less. I have realised that there's contentment in living to express rather than to impress. Seeing myself as worthy of respect and dignity also helped me be less tolerant and more mindful of subtle signs of disrespect.