Never enough

I belong to a family of academic over achievers. My father was a university topper. My sister is a gold medalist. My cousins too are college or university toppers.

I was a brilliant student but not an over achiever. I would always be a class topper, scoring the best in my class. I would be praised by all teachers for my performance. But that never made me happy or proud because for my family it was never enough. If I was a class topper, why I was not the school topper. If I got 95%, then why I did not get 98%. Whatever I achieved, it was never enough for my family. That always made me doubt my talents and abilities.

I would receive praised wrapped in form of a criticism. Like congratulations for being the topper in the school of stupid students. You stood first in the class, maybe other students did not solve their answer papers. You are the first in the class, from the beginning or from the end. If I was your teacher, you would not even receive 50% in your examinations. You are your teacher's favorite that is why you stood first in the class, else why would you get this score. This is what I used to hear after studying hard and getting the best score.

I would think that maybe I am not putting enough efforts. Maybe if I achieve 98% their opinion will change. But that did not help. How much ever I scored I still received the same comments from my family. Every result would get celebrated at school and insulted at home. My parents called it "tough love". If there is no criticism there will not be improvement.

I understand that. I also believe there is a thin line between criticism and insult. If I am called "best of the worst" that is a pure insult. They could have said next time aim higher instead of calling me teacher's pet. But of course who would tell them.

After every good result I would cry because I would doubt myself. I would feel that maybe I really am not capable enough. I felt that I did not deserve any success because I have no talent or knowledge. Each examination I waited for my family's approval which I never got.

Now my parents tell other relatives how proud they are of me and how intelligenct I am. Where was this praise when I needed it? Where were these word of motivation when I wanted to hear them? Why now you say I am intelligent but never told me in my learning phase? If this what you call "tough love"?

Today, I know I need noone's approval or validation to know my worth. I know that I can put my efforts and I will succeed. But the child in me still cries after every success. Not sad tears but happy tears because now she knows that she is brilliant. She has always been brilliant. Today she is resilient too.

Today I do not wait for anyone to say "good job". I say it to myself. I would be never enough for someone but I am enough for myself.