longing for love

I always feel segregated from all my friends as if I am world away from them and that is simply because i am not a relationship person.i never once had a boyfriend in my 23 years of life. I long to feel heartbreak, joy and co-dependency with someone like my friends but whenever I talk to someone, I feel like they lost their interest in me pretty quick ....I don't know why.i guess I have a bit of a chip on my shoulder with all the messy relationships around me...I guess they feel like I am hard to talk and i often get comments about how I should act as my gender.

I pretty broken up about that. And of course in the midst of all i realised maybe I am gay??? Lord knows i don't want to be especially because i live in such an uptight society that will never accept me as 'normal' if that is the case.

Maybe because it was hard to accept myself , I often find myself making degratory comments about gays despite not feeling an ounce of disgust towards them,but maybe all the internalized homophobia towards myself is driving me crazy.

So I try my best to accept myself as I am.,but I cannot take all the snide comments and judgy side eyes thrown at me and that discourage me a little everytime when I tried to step forward.

I even share this to my friends but they refused to acknowledge the fact that one of their best friend is gay.Whenever I implied my interest towards same sex relationship and crushes they always took it as a joke .Maybe i'm such a big joke to them.

However,i will try my best to adapt in this society by showing my resilience through accepting myself and proudly showing off all my interest towards 'peculiar' or 'queer' activities and person.