Letter to my future self.

Hello, me

The one who is older now. I wonder what you look like. I wonder if your hands are still cold all the time. Mine are right now. I have them wrapped around a warm cup.

Today, the sun is making a bright square on the floor. I am sitting next to it. The dust is dancing in the light. The house is quiet. It’s the kind of quiet where you can hear your own heart beating. I want you to remember this. This square is sunny, and this is quiet.

I hope you are happy. Not the big, loud happy that everyone posts pictures of. I mean the quiet kind. The kind that feels like a soft blanket when you are tired. I dream about that feeling a lot. I dream about waking up and not having a heavy rock in my stomach. I hope you wake up light.

I am scared of things. I am scared of the way the floor creaks when I am trying to sleep. I am scared of saying the wrong thing and making someone sad. Sometimes, I feel like a wrong answer on a test. I hope you got brave. I hope you learned that it’s okay to be wrong sometimes.

Last week I said something mean. The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. They were sharp. I saw the look on my friend’s face. It felt awful. It still feels awful. I hope you are better with your words. I hope you say sorry when you need to. And I hope you mean it.

I am learning that some things don’t have an answer. And that’s okay. It’s okay to just sit with a question mark. It feels better than making up a story that isn’t true. I am learning that being alone is not the same as being lonely. Right now, I am alone, and it feels peaceful.

Please tell me you still look at the clouds and find shapes. Please tell me you still like the smell of rain on the hot street. I hope you didn’t get too busy for the small things. I think maybe they are the biggest things.

Are you kind? I know you are kind to other people. But are you kind to yourself? When you make a mistake, what do you say to yourself inside your head? I am trying to be nicer to myself. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. I hope it got easier for you.

Just remember me, okay? The me who is sitting here in the quiet. The me who is scared but is still trying. The me who is hoping so hard for you. Be good to yourself. Because you are carrying me inside you. And I’m trying my best.