Lately I have been wanting to give up

I finished my graduation in 2024 nad immediately after was set to join my masters in the same college. But when i failed my entrance exams, my only hope with myself shattered.

I was the same person who had only applied to the top five universities of the country and had gotten into four of them. And suddenly, I could not even crack an entrance of the vollege that i had been studying in for the past three years?

I felt heart broken and completely useless. My parents had to get me admitted by the means of sources and connection. Although after getting in I was always among the top 10 of the class but the confidence that had fallen apart, i could never build again. This manifested into my relations, my friendships and my very being. I started doubting myself every now and then. I even had a massive heartbreak in the following months and was shattered beyond hope.

Post this, every conversation, every silence every word was overanalysed by me. I started overthinking every little detail of my life. Everytime my friends ignored me, I began to think what is it that i had done wrong. I started feeling the pressure to please everyone. I asked everyone what it was that I had said, why was it that they were acting different, were they angry at me. Apologising became a habit. Every person I interacted with, I felt i have offended. I started to feel stressed even at the slightest hint of tonal difference from someone.

Now it has gotten to a point that I feel like if someone is even talking to me it is because they either feel sorry for me or because they are merely tolerating me. I have recently even started to feel that even my parents are burdened by my presence. Everytime they joke with me, I feel that they are joking about me and making fun of me.

To top the cake with the icing, i am done with my masters and am completely idle now. I always feel like they are burdened by me that I am merely a financial trouble for them, a good for nothing ward that they have to carry on their shoulders.

Just recently, I had troubles sleeping due to my anxiety issues. I woke up late on this account and my dad jokingly said “You wake up at 12, what would you know about morning” this made me feel extremely ashamed. From then on I tried to wake up by 7.30 no matter how late sleep came to me at night.

This is not to say that my parents are bad people. My parents are the most generous people I have ever known. Its just that lately I have been feeling that I am taking advantage of their generosity and that they would be better off without me.

This applies to everything. That everyone would have been better without me. Or that the world would be a better place without me in it. Or worst of all, it wouldn’t even be better without me, because that would mean I have some kind of impact on it. I think it would not matter to anyone whether or not I am here.