If my alter ego took over my life for one day

If my alter ego took over my life for one day, I don't think anyone would recognize me.

She would wake up without the hesitation I carry everywhere. She wouldn't check her phone wondering who messaged first. She wouldn't reread texts searching for hidden meanings.

She wouldn't wonder whether she was being too much.,too cold ,too loud, too selfish, or too honest. She would simply decide. And then she would act. She would look at the people I have tolerated for too long and finally say what I have swallowed for months.

No carefully chosen words. No unnecessary explanations. No pretending to understand behaviour that deserves nothing but rejection.

She wouldn't stay somewhere just because leaving might hurt someone's feelings. She wouldn't answer messages out of guilt. She wouldn't apologise for having boundaries.

And she certainly wouldn't shrink herself somebody else could feel comfortable.

My alter ego has no interest in being liked by everyone.

She knows something I keep forgetting.

Being misunderstood is sometimes cheaper than being constantly available.

She would walk into places I have been afraid to enter alone. She would travel without waiting for someone to accompany her. She would start the thing I keep Postponing because I am afraid of failing publically.

If she wanted something she would admit it. If she didn't wants iemthing them she would refuse it. No guilt. No elobrate explanation. No paragraph long justification for a single word No.

She would probably scare me. Because she would not care nearly as much about the consequences as I do. She might burn bridges I spend years Carefully building and maintaining. She might disappoint anyone who I spend years trying to impress. She might make decisions that I would later question.

But there would be something strangely intoxicating about watching her live without constantly negotiating with everyone's expectations.

She would not be asking permission to be different. She would simply be the change and different.

And perhaps that is the part that bother me the most. Because I know that she is not completely imaginary. She is there somewhere inside me.

I heard her voice when I wanted to walk away but I stayed because I was afraid of disapproval. I have felt her anger when I smiled instead of confronting someone. I have knowing exactly what I wanted to say and then swallowed it because saying what I thought would make things uncomfortable.

She is not the opposite of me. She is the person who I always wanted to be. She is the person who I am afraid of being. She is me without censorship.

Without being judged. Without the desperate need to be understood. Maybe she is not my dark side. Or maybe she is the part of me that knows exactly where the line is and refused to let anyone crossing it twice.

Maybe she is the version of me that would be been showing if I accepted that being a women with stricter boundry is not wrong. And perhaps I have spend too many years confusing being agreeable with being good.

If she becomes me for a day she will simply stop asking permission to be me.