Human connections?

Today, I was thinking about whether it is easy to form genuine connections with people. I am an extroverted person in general and I absolutely love connecting and networking with people. However, I feel like its just a facade that I put up to be liked. Dont get me wrong, I feel good from within when I talk to people. However, during those conversations, I question whether I am being genuine. What if subconsciously I am acting s certain way just to be liked by others. Just to tell others that I am a good person?

I have felt like an imposter for a long time now. Eventually, proceeding with the friendship or relationship means opening up about yourself even more. I feel like once that path is taken by me, I already get attached. That attachment somehow makes me take the friendships for granted. I feel like ‘oh they are my friend right so now they will always be with me always support me etc’. Them choosing someone else over me or going against me hurts. This is when I start questioning how people make genuine connections. Connections that are supportive, connections that do not go behind your back to gossip and badmouth you.

I feel like such genuine connections have become hard to make in our generation. Everything feels like a competition, and if a friend is succeeding, I will question my own abilities… am I not good enough? Why did I not receive a similar reward? I feel like that comparison somehow leads to broken or questionable friendships.

Sometimes, it also feels like most of us make friendships just so that we have atleast someone with us. We do not want to be alone, we want to have some sort of companionship at all times. We want to make sure that others see that we are not lonely in our journeys. So is that the whole point of making friends? Just to fill that void? Or do human connections serve a bigger purpose? We hear time and again that humans are social beings. We cannot survive without human connections. So is the whole point of having friends and human connections, survival?

It is true that human connections make me feel alive and I actually thrive in certain settings.. but is it out of fear of being lonely? An I scared of the alternative and is that why social situations make me happy? Is it because I know the opposite means sitting with your thoughts more times than one can count, it means standing up for yourself and with yourself when no one else might… is the fear the reason social connections matter to me?

You see, to get rid of this fear and to actually try and understand myself, I have started spending time with myself. I have graduated so that means most of my friends are in different cities now. This gives me the time and opportunity to be brave and actually go out alone. Maybe I will understandand maybe observe in others, what the real purpose is when it comes to making human connections.