First time Realising

Due to N number of problems in my life, my parents recently decided that it would do me good to go to therapy. Despite my constant hesitancy, my parents insisted on giving it a chance and attending atleast one session.

I went to this therapist that was supposed to so me some good and try to under my problems which even I was not aboe to understand yet. She started off with introducing herself and asking for my introduction. She asked me why I thought that i needed to be here and have this conversation. I honestly told her that i didn’t, it were my parents who believed that was necessary. She appreciated my candour and asked me what was it that my parents believed had changed within me to make this step important.

I thought about this for a while and then told her that it may be because i had gone a bit hysterical. I went wuite out of the blue and the tiniest of thing would trigger me into yelling and bursting woth anger. That i would turn sad at the minutest of things and yet, the biggest of things wouldn’t make ne happy. i had grown distant with mu parents and friends, and had started to feel apologetic and scared of everyone around me for no reason at all.

She, lets call her Bell for the sale of anonymity, asked me if there was a breakdown point that made my parents realise it and be the final straw. I told her that i had had a panic attack and was not able to breathe for a good few minutes due to it.

She then told me that it was a ling process to understand something so deeply embedded in my psychology. I told her that this in my truth wasn’t something I wanted to spend my time and energy on, that i was fine.

Bell looked at me qith a very tender expr and for the firat time I felt like I wasn’t being judged for being an inconvenience to someone.

She asked me “You can discontinue if you feel to after this session, but for today, tell me if you feel a large part of your problems is because you are a female?”

I stopped at this, where dis she get that from? no? why would worthlessness and my general sense of failure be rooted in my gender?

I shook my head and yet, she went on. “Okay, tell me when was the first time you realised that you are a female”

“I think when I joined kindergarten”

“No, that is when you realised you are a girl. i am asking you when you realised that you are a female: one of the binary?”

After thinking hard about ut something came to me.

“when i was 6.”

“and what had happened”

“we were a group of kids: cousins, neighbours and my brother. We were playing on my ancestral home’s terrace: there were two levels to this terrace. A boy, from the neighbourhood, about double my age, the leader of this play, took me to the second level because he wanted to explain to me the rules. Everyone else was ordered by him to stay behind. I followed him because he was the chief person, he took me to a corner and tried to kiss me. Before i could react or realise, my brother shouting my name followed onti the upper level. That is when this boy got away from me before my brother could see. No one knows what happened except for me and him and I realised what he was about to do wasn’t right. that it was something to hide. that when i realised i was a female.”

“And that is why i say that your trauma is deeply rooted, even in your childhood. I want you to think about how this may have effected your lufe in the future, interactions and what not. If you feel like coming back, please drop me a text”

I went back and have been ever since. I honestly believe i have improved alot.