Choosing you

The older I get, the less I believe people are either good or bad. Most of us are simply trying to survive.

When I was younger I beleived that world was divided between heroes and villains. Good people always did the right thing. Bad people always did the wrong thing. It was simple. Comforting. Then I grew up. I met people who lied to protect someone they loved. I met people who stole because ttgeu had nothing to give to feed their families. I met people who smiled every day while carrying enough pain to make anyone bitter. And I met people who looked kind on the outside but quietly destroyed others behind closed door.

That is when I realised morality is not always black and white. It is often painted in shades of grey. I have learned that life has a way of forcing impossible choices upon ordinary people. Sometimes you have to disappoint one person to protect another. Sometimes telling truth...the complete truth cause more harm then carefully chosen silence. Sometimes walking away makes you selfish when staying would slowly destroy you.

From outside those decision are easy to judge. From inside they rarely are. People love to say "I would never do that". I don't think anyone truly know what they are capable of until they are pushed to the corner. Hunger changes people. Graief changes people. First changes people. Love changes people. Desperation changes people. The version of yourself making decisions from place of comfort is very different from the version trying to survive.

That is why I have stopped expecting perfection from others and from myself. I do not want to be cruel. I do not want to be dishonest. But I don't want to spend my whole life sacrificeing my own well being just to fit someone's idea of being a " good person ".

Of protecting my peace means disappointing someone then I will disappoint them. If setting boundaries make you look cold the so be it. If choosing myself after years of choosing everyone else earns me critisism then I will accept it. Not every decision has to make everyone happy. Some decisions are simple about making sure you don't lose yourself.

Being morally grey does not mean that you enjoy hurting people happy. It does not mean that abandaning your values whenever it is convenient. To me it means accepting that life is messy. Two opposing things can be true. You can be kind and still walking away. You can forgive someone and never let them back into your life. You can love a person and admit that they are not good for you. You can ask yourself is this is how I want to be treated for the rest of my life and then walk away after realisation. We often mistake boundaries for selfishness and self respect for arrogance.

May be that is why I am uncomfortable with people who refused to be endlessly accomodating.