Chasing payments

I completed my studies in 2008. After the result was out I was employed within a month. I started working at a small research and development firm. The learning was great. The problem was with the payments. It was a small firm and the owner was bankrupt. The owner would commit projects to various organisation and would fail to deliver them on time. Because of this the payment would get delayed from those organisations. At the payment for the business would not get received even our salaries would get delayed. When we would ask about our salary he would get angry and hurl abuses at us. Everyday that I spent in that firm would create more discomfort and insecurity. I left that organisation within 6 months. The reason was that I was not getting paid for the work I was doing.

How was strange it is that our first experience shapes the way we think. In my first organisation I was not receiving the payment in a timely manner and that created a strange fear in my heart forever. Whenever I would work with any organisation I would always have the fear that I may not get paid for the work that I am doing. Every month end I would feel insecure that probably tomorrow I would not receive my salary. This was all attributed to my experience with my first organisation.

Something similar happened yesterday. I work with an independent crowd-sourcing platform. It was my first month with that platform. Each day I would check how much I have earned. It would give me a sense of happiness and relief to see the numbers. Yesterday I visited the platform to see my earnings and I was flabbergasted to see the earnings. There the number showed zero. A big zero in red. I froze for a minute. My hands were trembling. I could feel my airways closing because of the fear that I was feeling. I saw darkness in front of my eyes. For a moment I thought that I have lost everything that I have earned. I had the same fear again. I thought to myself that maybe I am not going to receive the payment for the work that I have completed. I felt that I was back at the juncture where I was in 2008. My mouth was dry and tears started gathering in the corners of my eye.

Then I saw a notification. I clicked on it with my shaking hands. The notification read that "Your payment for this month has been processed and approved. It will be transferred to your linked bank account in next 24-48 hours. Please check your bank statement for verification after 48 hours". I read that notification once again to confirm that I was reading it correctly. After reading it for the third time I was convinced that I have read it correctly, I am going to get paid, and I felt relieved. It give me a strangers of relief that the platform is not hoarding my payment. The payment is being transferred.

I know this sounds strange. If somebody else would have been in my place they would have sat back and relaxed. But in my case my first experience always takes me in a negative direction. My first experience makes me suspicious of everything and evryone. My first experience still tells me that I may end up doing the unpaid labour. Even after 18 years I am still not able to overcome that fear. I hope in the upcoming years I will defeat this fear.