A brand new day of hopes

Today was day one. I woke up at 7AM. Before the sun was all the way up and hiding in blanket of clouds. My stomach felt like it had little butterflies inside. The fluttery kind. Not the sick kind. The butterflies of enthusiasm and excitement. They told me it is a brand new day and it is going to be an exciting day.

I put on my purple shirt. It feels like a royal shirt. When I walked into the new place, the air was different. My old office smelled like old paper, stale coffee, and dust. This place smells clean. Like rain on a hot street. And the computers make a soft, quiet hum.

It was a strange and calm feeling. My hands felt like they didn't belong to me. For so many years, my hands knew just what to do. They knew the shape of the tools. They knew which button to press without me even thinking. Today, they just rested on the desk. They looked lost. I felt like a guest in my own body. The kind who is afraid to touch anything.

Everyone was nice. They smiled and said my name. But their words were all new. I nodded like I understood. But inside, my mind was running fast to keep up. It felt like listening to a song in a language I don't know yet but I am already loving it. I can hear the music, but the words are just sounds.

A little voice inside me was scared all day. It kept whispering. 'You don't belong here. They're going to find out you're just pretending.' Classic imposter syndrome, I know. It's a mean little voice. I told it to be quiet.

Because there was another feeling, too. A bigger one. It felt like the morning of my borthday. When I don't know what's in the boxes, but I know it's going to be good. This feeling is warm. It makes me want to lean forward. It makes me want to ask questions, even if they're silly questions.

I want to be good at this. I want it so much. I picture it in my head. I picture a day when my hands know what to do again. When the new words are my words. When someone asks a question, and I know the answer. Not to show off. Just to feel that quiet click inside. The feeling of knowing. Knowing that people approach me for my knowledge.

I want people to know my name here. I want them to say, 'Ask her, she is the best.' That's what success feels like to me. Not a big prize. Being the person who knows. Being a person to lean on to. Building a good name for myself, one little thing at a time. Like putting small, smooth stones in a line. Baby steps.

Tonight I'm tired. My brain is full. But it's a good exhaustion - a good mental gymnastic routine. It's the tired you feel after you've built something. Even if it's just the first step.

Today I opened a new door of opportunities. I was so scared to turn the handle. But I did. I just peeked inside today. The room looks big and it looks bright. Moreover, this room is welcoming. I think I'm going to like this room, vecause I know I belong here.